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Pregnancy

by Greg Krehbiel on 8 September 2004

Continuing on with the series on fatherhood ….

Pregnancy brings about a lot of changes in a home. Of course the wife bears the biggest load, but the husband has to learn how to support her during these changes. It’s harder than you think.

The rule of thumb is simple: you are the bad guy. It’s all your fault. If there’s a problem, you’re to blame. All attention is focused on your wife. If there’s anything wonderful about pregnancy, that’s your wife’s doing. You’re just the grunting pig she lives with. You’re an afterthought.

You will be tempted to think that this isn’t fair. Get over it.

Gynecologists

Your wife may already have a doctor, but one thing you’re going to have to deal with is what you think of a male doctor doing pregnancy exams on your wife. Personally, I think it’s better for a woman to have a female gynecologist (and a man to have a male doctor). It’s not a Big Deal, and it’s certainly better to have a competent male doctor than nobody. But it’s something you’ll have to discuss. If your wife disagrees, don’t make a big issue out of it.

Childbirth classes

Take the classes. Yes, they’re silly. Yes, they’re designed to make you feel uncomfortable. But you need to know what to expect, and the classes are generally helpful.

One thing to note. There are a lot of books out there about childbirth that tell all sorts of goofy tales about how if you only breathe right and relax, everything will be fine and it won’t be that painful. (I’m thinking especially of the book by Dr. Bradley.) Don’t believe that nonsense, and discourage your wife from believing it.

Dr. Bradley watched dogs and cats giving birth, didn’t see them in any special pain, and thought that humans ought to be able to do the same. The trouble with that theory is that humans have bigger heads than dogs and cats.

Dr. Bradley also saw women in China working in the rice fields who would stop to give birth and then put the kid on their back and keep working. That’s because (1) they didn’t have labor unions, (2) they’d starve if they didn’t get their daily ration of rice, and (3) they were malnourished, so their babies were small. Dr. Bradley should have worked a couple days in the field for those poor women and let them rest.

Your wife is not a malnourished Chinese laborer. She’s going to have a 9 lb baby with an enormous head. And Dr. Bradley is a fruitcake. If you want to know what childbirth is like, talk to women who’ve had children, not to doctors who get their lessons from dogs and cats.

Emotion swings

A woman’s body experiences a hormonal storm during prengancy, which sometimes makes your otherwise sweet, rational and loving wife into Something Else. Just be calm. It will pass. Don’t take it too seriously, and consider this — while she won’t remember that she was acting like a lunatic, she will remember if you were nice to her.

One of the most obvious problems is crying. Pregnant women cry a lot, for no apparent reason. For me, this was very jarring. I was always trying to figure out what was wrong. Then I realized that it was a pregnancy thing, and I’d just ask, “Is this pregnant crying or is there something wrong?” Sometimes she’d say it was pregnant crying, sometimes it was because I was a pig, and sometimes she’d say, “I don’t know,” and I’d just have to give her a hug and let her cry. It helps to know that the fountain of tears isn’t always your fault.

(Warning: This approach only works if your wife realizes that hormones may make her cry for no reason.)

Clothes

Your wife is going to get big. You’ll have to deal with all that “I look fat” stuff. There’s not a whole lot you can do about it except tread lightly. Remember that she’s ready to cry at the drop of a hat.

Of course you’ll also have to buy her a lot of new clothes. Yes, I know that it’s torture to go clothes shopping with your wife, but do it anyway. You have a choice — spend a couple hours in the store feeling stupid and bored, or spend a couple hours letting her cry on your shoulder about how insensitive you are.

Another weird thing about pregnancy is that the mom always feels hot. Your sweater-wearing wife who snuggles under the afghan with a cup of hot chocolate on warm summer evenings will now go out in the snow with a little jacket — unbuttoned in the front. If your wife is pregnant during the summer, realize that she’s miserable and make sure to bring her lots of cool drinks. (But note: your wife will have a baby sitting on her bladder. While it’s important for her to drink a lot because dehydration can cause false labor, she’ll have to go to the bathroom very frequently.)

Sleeping

Sleeping gets increasingly uncomfortable for a pregnant woman. Make sure to talk to the doctor about it because sometimes they have rules about which side she needs to sleep on (to keep blood flowing properly), but the best solution is lots of pillows, placed strategically here and there to relieve pressure. Back rubs can help too.

Be mentally prepared

You’re going to have to help your wife through all this, and she won’t be completely rational. Be extra sensitive and caring. It will pay off in the end. And there’s nobody to help you through it. Get over it. Be a man. The end is in sight.

Later I’ll talk about the birth itself.

2004-09-08  »  Greg Krehbiel