Greg Krehbiel
Spanking
by Greg Krehbiel on 3 September 2004
Spanking has fallen on hard times among the cultural elite, who say that hitting a kid teaches the kid to hit, that it’s child abuse, and that it doesn’t really work anyway. To all of that I say “baloney.”
First, spanking is not “hitting.” Some parents do hit their kids. They get angry about something and they lash out with a fist or a palm or a knuckle. That’s wrong, and that does teach a kid to solve problems by hitting. It’s also not effective. It makes the kid resentful, and he doesn’t learn anything — except to duck.
Spanking is not hitting. It’s more of a ritual. A father doesn’t spank in anger, or out of revenge, but as an authority who has to deal out corrective and instructive punishments. The child’s behavior has to change, and the spanking provides the negative reinforcement to bring about the change. After the spanking, the father comforts and consoles the child and tells him to be good so that he doesn’t have to get any more spankings.
Second, spanking is not child abuse. The child is not wounded. Even if he gets a bruise, he’ll recover. And loving discipline is not abuse. It’s designed to teach the child a very important lesson — that actions have consequences. Spanking helps the child steer clear of things that will harm him.
Some people may prefer to try to reason with a child, but if you’ve ever seen parents try to do this, you’ll be cured of that silliness. Pain is far more effective.
By the way, spanking is negative reinforcement. A father also has to use positive reinforcement. The carrot and the stick.
Third, spanking does work when it’s administered with love, as I’ve described it here. I’ve read the articles saying that spanking doesn’t work, but it never seems as if the research distinguishes between spanking and hitting, so I’ve always concluded that it was biased and ideologically motivated. You have to remember that there are some really weird folk with some really weird agendas out there in the child development community.
So don’t listen to the anti-spanking people, but don’t fall into the “God requires spanking” foolishness either. Some people react against the anti-spanking agenda as if spanking were a God-ordained precept for parenting.
It’s not. Discipline is necessary, spanking is simply one way to enforce discipline. I think it’s the best way for very young children, because they understand a smack on the hand a lot better than a lot of talk, but spanking is not the only way to discipline a child.
In choosing how to discipline a child, a father has to consider the child’s temperament. With some kids, a stern glance is all it takes. It would be unnecessary to spank the child if the stern glance reduced him to tears and brought about the required change in behavior.
For others, a stern word might work. When the child gets older, timeouts might be effective, or the loss of privileges, or writing lines, or writing an essay, or doing extra chores. No one method is going to be the magic bullet. I’ve seen timeouts that are laughably ineffective. The kid just sits in the corner and sings to himself while the dad feels oh-so-superior that he didn’t have to spank him.
A father needs a toolbox full of discipline methods. Spanking is one of them. It’s very effective in some situations, when it’s done correctly, but it’s not the end-all of discipline.
Postscript about Tabasco Sauce
The liberal Washington Post recently had another of its ongoing series of “let’s laugh at those silly conservative Christian” articles. This one discussed a recent trend where parents use tabasco sauce to discipline their kids.
Of course some folks are going to get upset at any sort of discipline. “You wash your kid’s mouth out with soap! How barbaric!” (Never mind that the soap was used to stop barbaric language.) And it’s no surprise that The Washington Post would try to make a story out of this.
I think it’s harmless but rather silly.
The purpose of punishment is negative reinforcement. Kids don’t like pain, so they avoid things that cause it. If playing catch with mommy’s expensive china causes a stinging pain on my hands (when mommy catches me doing it), I’ll stop playing catch with mommy’s china.
Pain is an effective tool. Of course a father shouldn’t injure a child, but a little pain is fine if it’s done the right way. If tabasco works, I don’t see anything wrong with it, except that the father may ruin the child’s enjoyment of tabasco sauce, which would be disappointing.
Well … there may be one thing very slightly wrong with it. A key lesson in life is to learn the proper use of things. When my kids misuse something, I tell them this — “when you use something the wrong way, you break it.”
Drug abuse is an example of using a good thing the wrong way. Drugs have their proper uses, and when you need that drug, you’re very grateful for it. But when drugs are abused, they cause all kinds of trouble.
If you choose to spank your children, it’s a good idea to have a designated object — a wooden kitchen spoon works nicely — to adminster punishment. Set it apart for that purpose. Using tabasco sauce for discipline could … I’m not sure about this … but it could seem like a violation of that principle.
Not that it’s a big deal. The big deal is teaching your child to mind in a loving and effective way. But I thought I’d toss that in because while I don’t think the hot sauce routine is wrong, something in the back of my mind thinks it’s weird, and I’m not sure exactly why.
2004-09-03 » Greg Krehbiel
4 October 2004 @ 4:15 pm
A good commentary on the spanking issue. On one hand are they whip them with the belt crowd, who are downright abusive. On theo ther hand, the anti-spanking crowd are on some kind of a moral crusade. Their “more englithend than thou attutide can get to me. A happy medium is what’s needed.
4 October 2004 @ 4:16 pm
Sorry for the spelling mistakes in my comment! It’s just that I couldn’t see what I was typing!
4 October 2004 @ 5:17 pm
Thanks Emily. We don’t grade on spelling!
12 October 2004 @ 3:30 pm
Another thought on the anti-spanking people: they kind of remind me of the Prohibitionists of the early 20th century. The Prohibitionists didn’t distinguish between having an occasional glass of wine with a meal (the extent of my own alcohol consumption, by the way) and drinking to oblivion. I think now most people see Prohibition as a noble experiment that failed. Hopefully the same will be said some day of the anti-spanking movement.
19 October 2004 @ 1:30 pm
Finally a sensible commentary on a controversial subject. Spanking is a tool that is useful for some kids. Always beware of the fanatics on both sides that scream “always” or “never”. Spanking is an artificial consequence that you employ when the natural consequence is too severe (i.e., being hit by a car) or when the child is so young that they need immediate feedback. It needs to hurt enough to get their attention but not cause lasting pain or injury.
2 March 2005 @ 8:45 pm
Spanking is abuse dont hit your kids
3 March 2005 @ 8:29 am
And how many children have you raised?
1 October 2005 @ 6:34 pm
My daughter rairly misbehaves,because she knows that a very sore red bottom will follow.At times i combine the spanking with another punishment to get my point across.
For instance one time she would not stop interupting me while i was on the phone.She gets squeemish around bare feet.So I put the phone call on hold took out my wooden spoon and gave here bare bottom about a dozon goos swats.Then I decided to finish my phone call with her laying on the floor,with my bare toes on her nose.That was about a year ago.talking on the phone is much easier now.
1 October 2005 @ 7:00 pm
Bev — Every kid is different. I’m tempted to say “whatever works,” but of course we can’t really say that because we’re aiming at raising a well-adjusted child, not just an obedient one.
27 February 2006 @ 8:37 pm
This is getting way too silly.
27 February 2006 @ 10:01 pm
I know I’m a good a mother.
Because of my discipline, my daughter is a polite, respectful and obedient young lady.
Her father left us both 7 yrs ago and I’ve raised her alone.
Do you know what that’s like??
Of course jen (my daughter) has been a major support to me and has even found part-time work so that there’s more money to go around.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to punish her when I feel the need.
My method of discipline works! And that’s the bottom line.
She may be a pretty 17 yr old with a car and countless boys chasing after her but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve a good, hard spanking every now and then.
As long as she’s under my roof she will be spanked and made to lick my feet whenever I deem appropriate.
28 February 2006 @ 10:53 am
Yay! I LOVE it Strict-Mom!
You’re doing a great job of bringing up your daughter!
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
28 February 2006 @ 11:12 am
Hey everyone, i’m jen…… Strict-Mom’s daughter.
My Mom told me to write something cuz she was worried people here may think i was being ‘abused’ or somethin like that.
i just wanna say that my Mom is the BEST Mom in the whole world!
If she’s strict with me, it’s cuz i need it. If she punishes me, i deserve it.
Anyway, FEET are no different from HANDS – hands can be used to express affection as well as to spank.
In the same way, my Mom sometimes expresses affection by rubbing her feet on me.
Yet she also uses her feet to punish me by walking on my prone body or making me lick them when they’re dirty.
It helps me to realise how much i’ve hurt her by being disrespectful and afterwards i prove i’m sorry by massaging the feet which punished me.
In any case, my Mom’s feet are really beautiful so i really don’t mind all that much!
28 February 2006 @ 11:19 am
^^^Aaaaaw…. that was sweet jen, to come to your mom’s defence like that.
Hey Strict-Mom, you’re daughter seems like a very well brought-up young lady.
I don’t suppose you would be interested in loaning her out to me???
I could do with a nice looooong foot massage and your daughter sounds just the right person to do it!
28 February 2006 @ 11:25 am
Dear Stacey, Bev, Strict-Mom & Barbara,
I think your methods of disciplining your daughters are…. erm…..unique!
13 May 2006 @ 7:04 pm
well my method is sorta like strict-moms. i was raised with only my mother. i HATED feet bigtime, and my mother worked out alot so her feet were sweaty all the time. my punishments veried on what i did. like if i did something as simple as saying ‘poop’ than my mother would make me kiss each of her feet once a foot. if i didnt stop shed wash my mouth out with her foot. but if i did something like, annoy my mom, and stress her out than shed make me rub her feet. but if i did something as bad that i could get grounded for than id be grounded by being my moms foot slave for the amount of time i was punished. and whenever i was grounded shed make me rub her feet 5 times a day, kiss her feet as a greeting from were ever she got back from. and after her runs, or work outs, than shed make me lick her feet and rub them too.
14 May 2006 @ 9:44 pm
Hey ya’ll!
Some of you have expressed interest in my methods of discipline so I thought I’d update ya’ll on a recent incident with my daughter Jen, to give you an idea of how it works.
Last week, Jen got home late from a date with her new boyfriend.
She didn’t think I’d be up so she got quite a shock when I opened the door!!
She knew what was coming and was already red-faced with shame and stuttering apologies before I even started!
Basically, I tied her arms to the bedposts at the foot of my bed and made her lick my feet and suck my toes ALL NIGHT LONG while I slept!
When I woke the next morning, she was STILL licking!
I then untied her and made her go to school without any sleep!
She was EXHAUSTED…. her tongue was SORE…. and she felt TOTALLY humilated! She won’t be late home again though, I can tell ya!
I hope this helps to all of you who have been making enquiries!
)
Strict Southern Mom,
17 May 2006 @ 6:07 am
strist southern mom.
you are sick…
and what you are doing is an abuse.
what u r doing is illigal and you should be jailed for it.
18 May 2006 @ 9:29 am
I’m sure that Strict Southern Mom is a joker who is posting this nonsense out of a twisted sense of humor.
Okay, it was funny. Time to stop now.
Thanks.
17 September 2006 @ 11:32 pm
As for the feet licking, in my opinion, it is still very disgusting. I would have to say that feet licking should be left for the foot fetish bedroom freaks and should not be used as a punishment. But that is my opinion.
Anyway back to the topic of spanking…I do feel that spanking your child is sometimes necessary, but the parent should explain to the child what he/she did wrong, why it was wrong, and what could have or did happen because of his/her actions. Also prior to spanking being the chosen form of punishment, or anything else for that matter, I believe that the child should already know the consequence process. Such as a verbal warning, time-out, grounded (certain items or privileges taken away for a specific amount of time), sent to room (without toys or anything that that chiild could enjoy), and then spanking…respectively depending on the child and behavior.
As long as you are not beating them to death, leaving marks on them or spanking them for no reason, then I see no reason why it should even be considered wrong. As long as the child understands your reasong behing their spankings and that they cannot just go around beating up on everyone or “spanking” other people.
I am sick of seeing 3,4,5,6,7 year olds telling their parents what to do! That is just ridiculous. The parents should be the ones in charge and should be the more resonsible one. Although I am only a 22 year old mother of a 2 year old, I do still believe in some of the old ways. I was raised that way by my grandmother. I have received my own share of spankings as a child. But spanking only worked for me until I got in middle school. At which time nothing worked and I had to go throught he fire myself. Some children will just have to learn thngs on their own, while other will take some else’s word for it.
ALMOST everything in moderation is alright.
8 October 2006 @ 9:34 pm
I agree that it seems children today seem to be completely out of control. I think the punishment always depends on the types of personalities you’re dealing with and what will be most effective. The goal is to get the point accross. Some kids seem to need no spanking whatsoever. They seem to get upset simply if their parents are displeased with them. Other children seem to know all the angles. They seem to weigh their options when they’re about to misbehave. Come to grips ahead of time with the punishment they’re willing to endure. And then they will do what they were going to do anyway. Strict-Mom seems to feel that her daughter needs to learn to respect those she should respect without question and also remain hubmle herself. I say, if it works, it works. Strict-mom gets her point across and at the same time gets some real good pampering. Nothing wrong with that.
28 February 2007 @ 3:39 pm
Strict-southern mom is nothing but a twelve year old boy fantasizing about what he wishes would happen with his own mother. It’s ridiculous what people will do for attention. Spanking in my eyes is absolutely fine as long as no bruises are left, I’ve been raised with it and will stick with it. Though I will probably not ever hit my own children when I grow older, I will just ground him. Send him/her to his/her room without any electronic devices, you see what I’m saying? Take something he/she really enjoys for a short period of time. Each time growing longer and longer. You have to do what you have to do, but this whole foot licking thing is going way too far.
As for you, young mom, people with a foot fetish are no different from you. You have your own fantasies as do they. Calling people freaks over something they can’t help is very immature and makes me think you shouldn’t even be a parent. If you truly are. You having to hear this from a 14 year old teenager is simply pathetic.
Simple display of what the internet world is really like. Pathetic.
17 March 2007 @ 1:25 am
My parents spanked all of us and we were better for it. It hurt, but it was always done in a respectful and loving way. They used a ping-pong paddle and we usually got spanked in our underpants. I only got spanked naked only once, and that was when I lied to my dad at age 8. That time he took my panties off and used a belt. Believe me I never lied again. I don’t think that would have been the case if I hadn’t received that whipping. Good parents know where the line is, and they know what’s best for their kids.
7 April 2007 @ 5:31 am
My parent beat us and called it a spanking. Maybe it can be compared to a husband raping his wife and calling it making love. It started at age 5 or before. The beatings led to other things that I can’t mention. To me, sex is violence and violence is sex. There is no in between and one doesn’t exist without the other. While he was beating us, he looked like he had just found out he had won a million dollars. I don’t know how else to describe it. If he had a choice of beating his little daughters or having sex with Marilyn Monroe, he would have chosen beating his little daughters. That was sex to him. I am over 50 now and the damage is unrepairable. I was never normal and never will be normal.
7 April 2007 @ 11:01 am
I’m very sad to hear that. I hope you can find some peace.
5 January 2010 @ 8:44 am
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